i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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