i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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