Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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