Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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