Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
