I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
