I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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