Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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