I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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