i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
