I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
