Your face is a jimmy john
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
