He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
