i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
