So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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