My sheets look like a crime scene.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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