you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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