I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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