is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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