youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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