You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
