i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
