this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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