Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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