Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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