Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
