I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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