My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
How's work?
Spinning.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
