did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
