He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
