I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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