I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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