I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
i've created a new STD.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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