Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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