Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
