So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
