i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
