We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
