Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
