Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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