Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
