he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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