i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it's like iHOP with fire
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
