The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
