my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
