He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
