So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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