saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
