Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Randomize
