So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
