Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
